Decision

Im done trying to make a connection I have decided. I hung out with Will last night. I thought Id give him another shot. I kept thinking "maybe just maybe I will start to gain some chemistry with him," but of course that didnt happen. Ive decided that chemistry is just not something that can be forced. He is a great guy...possesses all of the qualitities that any girl would want but there is nothing there. There is absolutely no connection! I get it in my mind that I want to hang out with him but then once he is here I think about something else I would rather do. He would do absolutely anything I say and that annoys me now. Years ago that would be like the number one quality but now I want a guy that can be themselves and definitely stand up to me. I know that sounds weird but I want a guy that is his own person...not someone that will change and do anything I say. Thats boring. I need a guy that has a personality. Ugh, this is so giving me a headache. I am so sick of guys all together. Im at the point where I dont even know if I want to be dating anyone seriously. I do want to date but Im not at the point where I want to be with someone 24/7. Ive been there, done that...and look what happened...it failed...miserably and it taught me a lot about relationships. I open up too fast and that is something I will never do again. Im not letting someone in so that they can break my heart. Im sick of having my heart broken. I deserve better than that. I deserve to be treated with respect. I want a guy that knows what he wants in life, has his head on his shoulders. Someone mature is what I need...but are there any mature guys left in this world? Does any guy know what he wants out of life? NO! Or at least if there are, I sure havent met any guys that possess those qualities. There is one guy however that Im having some strange feelings for. I dont really know what my feelings mean. This guy is one of my good friends, I turn to this person when Ive had a bad date or a bad day in general. I sorta feel like they are having these feelings too but then again I dont know. Its an awkward situation. I dont know if I should express my feelings or just leave them alone. I dont want to make things weird between us but then again...what if it could turn into something? Ugh, such a headache! haha. I just dont know what to do. I think I will just sit back and see what happens though. Im in no hurry and I know they are not either...so why rush things? Why not just see what happens? If things are meant to be then they will find a way, right? Or at least that is what they say...maybe that is true. I definitely think that things happen for a reason, sometimes its just hard to see what that reason is at the time and no matter how bad it is, it always works itself out. Ive been through some tough times...experienced a lot of heart ache but everything has turned around in my life. I am happy with were I am. I have two beautiful healthy daughters that I love with everything I have...Im fixing to graduate from college! And I have some great friends and family. What more could I want? I would be just as content if nothing changed in my life right now. I love it. Well I guess I have written enough for today. I need to do a few things around this house so until next time...

40 Minutes

I am so excited about Thanksgiving break that I had to do a 40 minute countdown! I cant wait to leave school today and be off for 5 days, that will so so fabulous. Then I only have 4 days left of student teaching, which is actually kind of scary when you think about being out there in the real world looking for a job! AAAAHHH! Anyways, enough of my complaining. Happy Thanksgiving once again!

Thanksgiving

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!

Laying in the Bed

Last night I was laying in my bed thinking about everything that has happened in my life and those things that I want to happen so badly. I went to my sisters basketball game last night. They played Barren County Middle School...which made me extremely nervous because of course, that is the team that Jon coached last year. I didnt know what to expect. Would people know who I was? Would they recognize the twins? I had no idea what would happen. I was even more worried that Jon would actually show up and make my sister a nervous wreck. Luckily, that did not happen though. I figured he knew better than to show his face at an Allen County game. As I walked into the game, I could feel the stares...not like that doesnt happen when we do anywhere, because normally it does with twins. People want to stare...they cant help it...twins are a miraculous thing...something out of the norm. After walking in and taking my seat I decided to go get something to drink. After coming back into the gym and taking my seat, one of the parents of a BC bball player came over and sit down to say hi because she had recognized the twins and had not seen them since last basketball season. To my surprise she led the conversation right into the Jon and Kim story. She was telling us how much better of a season the girls were having this year...implying that last year was no good with Jon as coach. She had heard about Jon but she had no heard the whole story of course. I guarantee she only came over to see us because she wanted to scoop, but that is okay with me. I think everyone should know the truth and know exactly what kind of horrible person he really is. She even said that she had heard he did drugs...wow! The crazy things people are saying about him in Barren County. I think its hilarious how he acts like everyone loves him to death...when really I dont know one person that isnt related to him that likes him. That amazes me. I dont see how someone can go around with so many enemies and continue to think that they are such a great person.
I know that it is really time for me to come to peace with everything that has happened, but it is so hard. I want to come to peace with it, I really do, I just dont know how to do that. I have moved on...I would never in a gizillion years get back together wih him if he begged...but how can I accept this woman who is his girlfriend when she messed around with him when I was living in his home and had his children? I could never do that to someone, not in a million years. I dont think its acceptable to live your life that way. I cant get over it. No matter how hard I try. I want to be a forgiving person but how can I when I have so many unanswered questions? Now that I look back, I think, "why did I put up with his behavior for so long?" I guess in a way I am mad at myself for putting up with it. I should have moved out a lot sooner...I could have been so much happier for so much longer if I would have thought about the girls and myself instead of trying to please him. Someone like him cant be pleased. Kim may think that she is doing it all just right but she will get old...haha no pun intended! LOL. He will get bored with her...he will need someone different because that is how he is. He is just like his mother and grandmother...neither one of them could be pleased by their husbands, they had to run around on them too. Not to mention all of his other weird family members that do who knows what with who knows who. I guess its in his blood. To be an adultress loving idiot. The funny thing is, he doesnt think he is an adultress because he wasnt the married one. He doesnt see it as a sin on his part. Apparently another adultress told him that...I mean...even if she wouldnt have been married...he was engaged. He had promised me a good life and that he would be faithful and what did I get? None of that. Yea, he may have paid the bills but that doesnt justify anything else that he did. A 25 year old "man"..more like a baby if you ask me, shouldnt be going out to the bars, getting so drunk he cant even come home. Or supposably spending the night with a friend just about every Monday night. Ughh...I was so dumb. How could I have been so dumb? I dont blame myself for what he did. There is no way it was my fault. I was a good fiance. I did everything one could to make him happy, but nothing was enough for him. I could never be his "mother" and that is exactly what he wants in life...someone to be his second momma. Someone to give him money, take care of him, feed him, and baby him. He doesnt want a girlfriend, a fiance, or a wife. He has dated plently of nice women...women that would make great wives and he has done nothing but hurt them, over and over again. I definitely believe in Karma...what goes around comes around and when it does he will then understand that he gets what he deserves. No crime will go unpunished. Never. Maybe one day I will be able to come to terms with everything that has happened. Maybe one day, but unfortuntely I dont see that day coming too soon. Until next time...

Monday

Today is Monday...the Monday before Thanksgiving, which means a short school week! It is hard to believe that I only have 6 days of student teaching left! This morning I got up and went to the health department to get a free flu shot. I was thinking that I was going to get one but I changed my mind when I saw they were giving them away for free today only. I expected that I would have to wait a long time but I got right in. Surprisingly there were quite a few people there already and it was only 7:30. This afternoon we are taking Emma and Zoie to get their Christmas pictures made. We are taking them to Nikki Wolfe. I am excited to get them made, I just hope that they are in good moods this afternoon. I also hope that is stops raining before then! It has been pouring down all morning. I am thinking about getting my picture made with them if I look descent this afternoon. If it doesnt stop raining my hair will look awful! Rachel has a ball game today against Barren Co. but I dont think I will go. Not only do I not want to see all those Barren County people but I also dont think Ill feel like it after going to get pictures made, especially with the weather like it is today.
My weekend was pretty boring. I didnt do anything exciting. Just stayed at home and caught up on some relaxation and spent time with the girls. It was nice being able to lay around and not have to worry about going anywhere. I figured we should catch up on some rest since we will be going everywhere on Thanksgiving. It is hard to believe that it is already Thanksgiving. It seems like it was just summer. WOW, time flies. Well I guess I have written enough for now. Im sure I will be writing a lot of blogs later though because I am just observing this week and next week at school. We are watching a movie today so I have nothing to do! Until next time...

Another Week

Well, another week is coming to an end...for school that is. Today is my last full week of student teaching. Next week we only come 2 days and then 4 days the next week and I am out of here! 6 MORE DAYS! I am so excited but then again I will miss being here everyday. At least I will be subbing so hopefully I will be here at the middle school a lot. I cant believe I have been here this long, now that I look back it seems like it has went so fast! I am definitely ready to make some money. That is for sure. Wednesday was my last official KTIP. Mrs. Mefford will be back the week after Thanksgiving to grade my portfolio and give me my final grade along with Coach D. I am glad that is over and it feels so good to have my teacher work sample turned in too. I need to do one more reflection for my EDU 489 class and then I will be completely finished with that class too. I guess I may write that during study period today so I can get that turned in. Mr. Fisher was suppose to observe me today but he never showed. I guess something must have came up. I havent seen him around since early this morning. Well I guess I have written enough. I am so ready to get home and get in my PJs. It is that kind of weather when I want to crawl up on the couch with my girls and snuggle in the warm house. Well, until next time..

Unbelievable

Well, this weekend consisted of nothing but worrying. Friday night I found out that Jon had his old girlfriend Kim over at his house with the girls. Boy, did I go off! I was sooooo mad. Then I heard he was moving to Glasgow which would be fabulous but unfortunately I dont think that is happening unless he gets married to her. Her husband informed me that in their divorce papers....which are not FINAL yet...that Kim can not have any over night visitors when their kids are in the home. I have this really weird feeling that he will marry her. He spent the four day weekend for election day in the Smokey Mountains with her and her kids while he left Emma and Zoie with his mother. Isnt he just a GREAT FATHER?! He wants to bitch and complain that he doesnt get enough time with them then go spend time with somebody else's freaking kids instead of his own! Gosh that makes me sick...I hate his guts. I dont see how somebody can care so little but try to make everyone think he is the best dad is the entire world. How damn pathetic. The thought of him makes me just want to throw up. I am so sick of his bullcrap. I am sick of his family acting like he is something special. He is just a product of his environment. He thinks its okay to act like an idiot because that is what his mother has always done to his father. And then his father cant say anything because he let her do it...stayed with her while she ran around on him with everybody and their brother at AO Smith. GROSS. I dont see how people can get married and then continue to run around and act like that. I mean, if they made one mistake I could understand but I dont understand when they continue to act like whores and treat their spouses like that. I know that Jon was not my husband but I was his fiance and we did have 2 children together...I deserved more respect than that. I just want to know everything. I honestly dont know if I will ever be able to make peace with the situation until I know the truth...the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I know he was seeing her way before I left because of the psychic tape that I listened to, but I want to know when it started, why it started and exactly what happened. I know those are things that I will never know but I can always hope that maybe someday someone will tell me. I just wish they would break up. I hate his guts and I would never get back with him but as long as he is with the woman he cheated on me with then I will never be able to get along with him. I can not be civil with somebody that has no regard for someone else's feelings...and I dont just mean anybody...I mean the mother of his children's feelings. He could have at least had some respect for me if no one else. It just stresses me out. I wish I could erase him from my past but keep my beautiful girls, but I know that is not possible. They are beautiful and smart because of me and my family not because of him because he was never around...and still continues to never be around. His mother is their caregiver when they are over at his house or supposably there. He does nothing and is not capable of doing nothing. You cant teach an old dog new tricks. Until next time...

ANOTHER BLOG

13 days to go! The countdown continues. Today is my last day of school for this week. Tomorrow is the big job fair at WKU. I am hoping the rain will hold off tomorrow, I hate going to campus when it is raining. Especially when I am all dressed up! That will really stink. I have my TWS completed, therefore I really dont have anything to work on while my cooperating teacher is teaching. I cant decide what I am going to do tomorrow night. Im thinking Im going to stay in and do laundry, clean house, and get a good nights sleep for the Praxis on Saturday. Crazy Clarissa called me last night...dont really know the point of her call...she is slightly insane. Apparently I am to blame for her and Luc's problems even though I havent spoke to either of them in months...it drives her absolutely crazy that I speak to Dana, Luc's 41 year old ex-girlfriend. I think its pretty pathetic that she has to call and fuss at me for talking to Luc's girlfriend....I mean, what kind of relationship does she think they are going to have if she is blaming me for their problems? Of course, its never going to work out for them because Luc tells Dana one thing and Clarissa another. I cant help it that Dana tells me these things. Im easy to talk to...what can I say? Anyways, I still cant figure out what the point in her call was. I guess so that Id know how crappy her life is. I dont know. I honestly dont have time for her crap. Im sick of immature people and their drama. I have enough going on in my own life. Well Im off of here for a bit. I need to do a few things. Until next time...

14 DAYS TO GO!

The countdown continues! ONLY 14 DAYS TO GO! I think this countdown is actually making the time go by slower but that is okay...it will get here soon enough.

My Weekend

My weekend was just a normal weekend. I stayed at home all weekend. Friday night my mom brought over some Dumplins and we hung out at the house then Saturday we went over to my grandmas for supper. Sunday morning the girls went to church with my mom and I went to the grocery store. Then we all went to my gmas for lunch with the rest of the family and then we hung out at home. My landlord called me this weekend and gave me my entire month of rent back that I had already paid for 11/15 through 12/15 which was fabulous. I was only expecting about $200 back because I had to give her a 30 day notice. Plus she bought my stove for $100 so that was great! I am very excited about get my money back. Other than all that, I did laundry and cleaned house...in general I just enjoyed being HOME. This week at school I am only teaching 3rd and 4th period. I am dropping flex today thank goodness because I wasnt too excited about teaching economics. Only 15 days to go! WOW. Time is starting to fly and I am so excited. Tonight is Rachel's first season basketball game. I think the girls and I are going to go if they are feeling up to it and in a good mood. Well until next time...

~TwInS~

It is almost time!

I was just calculating up my days left here and there are only 15 school days left! WOW! That is freaking fabulous. That sure makes me feel a lot better about getting up for the next couple of weeks and coming to work for NO PAY! It is hard to believe that I have finally made it to graduation. It seems like just yesterday I was packing up and heading off to Murray State...its amazing how fast time goes by and how fast things change. I never imagined my life would have turned out this way but I wouldnt change it for anything. I am happy where I am at this point in my life. Everything is falling into place and I couldnt be more blessed. I cant wait to put on that cap and gown and walk across that stage. It has been one rough, long road...and I cant wait to see what is in store for me and my family in the future. Until next time...

Another Day...Not Another Dollar LOL

My second night in my new house went a lot better than the first. One of the girls actually slept in their baby bed until about 5 am this morning which was fantastic. They both have a cold so that probably doesnt help their sleeping because Im sure they cant breath that good. Im going to put their humidifier in their room tonight and see if that helps any. It sure felt good to sleep in my bed...thats for sure. So today I close on my house which I am super excited about, then I have to run by my apartment and run the mop over the floor real quick then I will be officially done with that place. Hopefully I can get the keys back to my landlord this weekend and get some money back in my pocket. That would be very nice. They are hooking up my satelite today! Thank goodness because tonight is Grey's Anatomy night! I just wish they would set up an appoinment to hook up my DSL, that would be fabulous. Well today is my last day at school for this week...thank goodness. Tomorrow I am suppose to be going to WKU if I decide to attend lol. Well until next time...

One more thought

It is so crazy how some people, who you never thought would ever come back in your life, appear out of nowhere. It is also amazing how different these people can become over just a matter of like 5 years...and when I say they are different I mean that in a positive way. Not to say they were not good people 5 years ago, but they have changed in ways that are hard to explain but I definitely think their changing is a good thing. The appearance of these people have really made me questions myself in some areas of my life. I love having a boyfriend but then again I love being single. Its nice to not have anyone to answer too. Im not going to stress over it though. Im in no hurry for anything to happen. Im young. I have other things that are first priority in my life right now. Well Until next time...

A New Beginning

WOW. Things have really changed for me in the past couple of days. I knew that the day I moved out of Jon's house that I was starting a whole new beginning for my girls and myself, but it wasnt that exciting because I had to move in that small apartment. That changed over this weekend though. I moved into my OWN HOUSE! Yes...I did say that correctly, my own house! I absolutely love it. Its nice to know that its my house and that no one can take that from me...no one can make me move this time. It has 3 bedrooms and 2 baths...plus a laundry room which is fabulous and a really big yard. It is in a convenient location and its so cute! I am so excited. Last night was our first night staying there...the girls really seem to like it. They are still exploring it and figuring out where their toys are, etc. I got everything put away and hung up and it looks fabulous. Things have always looked up because I have the best girls I could ask for but it feels so good to have a place to call our own now. Somewhere that my girls can grow up and play in the yard. I look forward to what else the future may bring. Until next time...