Laying in the Bed

Last night I was laying in my bed thinking about everything that has happened in my life and those things that I want to happen so badly. I went to my sisters basketball game last night. They played Barren County Middle School...which made me extremely nervous because of course, that is the team that Jon coached last year. I didnt know what to expect. Would people know who I was? Would they recognize the twins? I had no idea what would happen. I was even more worried that Jon would actually show up and make my sister a nervous wreck. Luckily, that did not happen though. I figured he knew better than to show his face at an Allen County game. As I walked into the game, I could feel the stares...not like that doesnt happen when we do anywhere, because normally it does with twins. People want to stare...they cant help it...twins are a miraculous thing...something out of the norm. After walking in and taking my seat I decided to go get something to drink. After coming back into the gym and taking my seat, one of the parents of a BC bball player came over and sit down to say hi because she had recognized the twins and had not seen them since last basketball season. To my surprise she led the conversation right into the Jon and Kim story. She was telling us how much better of a season the girls were having this year...implying that last year was no good with Jon as coach. She had heard about Jon but she had no heard the whole story of course. I guarantee she only came over to see us because she wanted to scoop, but that is okay with me. I think everyone should know the truth and know exactly what kind of horrible person he really is. She even said that she had heard he did drugs...wow! The crazy things people are saying about him in Barren County. I think its hilarious how he acts like everyone loves him to death...when really I dont know one person that isnt related to him that likes him. That amazes me. I dont see how someone can go around with so many enemies and continue to think that they are such a great person.
I know that it is really time for me to come to peace with everything that has happened, but it is so hard. I want to come to peace with it, I really do, I just dont know how to do that. I have moved on...I would never in a gizillion years get back together wih him if he begged...but how can I accept this woman who is his girlfriend when she messed around with him when I was living in his home and had his children? I could never do that to someone, not in a million years. I dont think its acceptable to live your life that way. I cant get over it. No matter how hard I try. I want to be a forgiving person but how can I when I have so many unanswered questions? Now that I look back, I think, "why did I put up with his behavior for so long?" I guess in a way I am mad at myself for putting up with it. I should have moved out a lot sooner...I could have been so much happier for so much longer if I would have thought about the girls and myself instead of trying to please him. Someone like him cant be pleased. Kim may think that she is doing it all just right but she will get old...haha no pun intended! LOL. He will get bored with her...he will need someone different because that is how he is. He is just like his mother and grandmother...neither one of them could be pleased by their husbands, they had to run around on them too. Not to mention all of his other weird family members that do who knows what with who knows who. I guess its in his blood. To be an adultress loving idiot. The funny thing is, he doesnt think he is an adultress because he wasnt the married one. He doesnt see it as a sin on his part. Apparently another adultress told him that...I mean...even if she wouldnt have been married...he was engaged. He had promised me a good life and that he would be faithful and what did I get? None of that. Yea, he may have paid the bills but that doesnt justify anything else that he did. A 25 year old "man"..more like a baby if you ask me, shouldnt be going out to the bars, getting so drunk he cant even come home. Or supposably spending the night with a friend just about every Monday night. Ughh...I was so dumb. How could I have been so dumb? I dont blame myself for what he did. There is no way it was my fault. I was a good fiance. I did everything one could to make him happy, but nothing was enough for him. I could never be his "mother" and that is exactly what he wants in life...someone to be his second momma. Someone to give him money, take care of him, feed him, and baby him. He doesnt want a girlfriend, a fiance, or a wife. He has dated plently of nice women...women that would make great wives and he has done nothing but hurt them, over and over again. I definitely believe in Karma...what goes around comes around and when it does he will then understand that he gets what he deserves. No crime will go unpunished. Never. Maybe one day I will be able to come to terms with everything that has happened. Maybe one day, but unfortuntely I dont see that day coming too soon. Until next time...